I have never tried to sum all the time I have spent on social media, games, news, conversations about nothing in messengers, music, etc. But I decided to do that while writing my last article about my "zero" in social media. And when I calculated it, I was in shock. ~25,000 hours were wasted during my last 11 years of life.

Is it a lot? (H*ll, yeah)

Just don't know what to say. It's about 1,500 days or 4 years of my life.

Hours on social media chart

So, what did I miss? (Everything) "This orange mountain on the graph is that person's grave. I buried my ideal self with my own hands, beneath tons of funny videos and strangers' photos. I will never know how great I could have been, because I traded my growth for a dopamine needle." I could have walked the entire length of the equator three times. I could have met 2,500 people and had conversations with them for 10 hours each. It takes 10,000 hours to master a skill. I had the budget to become world-class in two different fields (e.g., C++ and piano) and still have 5,000 hours to spare. I could have built and launched 20 full-stack MVPs from scratch. I didn't just kill time. I killed who I could have become. But, you know, that isn't the worst. Unfortunately. When you look at these numbers, it's terrible, but we may say, "Why do we need to walk the entire length of the earth three times?" But I lost much more than just skills and time; I lost myself.

I rewired my brain to reject reality. By constantly comparing my messy "behind-the-scenes" with everyone else's curated "highlight videos," I destroyed my self-esteem and developed social anxiety. I felt like the loneliest person ever. I wasn't interesting to my old friends anymore. People change, so that is okay; we just grow up and become someone else. But I could not find new friends because I was absolutely sure that the problem was me and I was just an uninteresting guy. I wanted to be good to everyone because I was afraid to be alone.

Real life became unbearable because it was too slow, a sunset or a conversation can't compete with the dopamine density of a YouTube video. I wasn't living. I was just a spectator. I was watching all these popular YouTubers and streamers and was so jealous when I saw their always interesting lives. They are always in good company, they are always happy. But I was sitting at home for more than 7 hours daily in front of my screen with a bunch of problems in my life and a fear of coming back to reality. I was watching all these beautiful lives of other people on the internet.

I was thinking that I should always be doing something, and should do it with the maximum positive effect on my future career and life, but it just was killing me slowly and made me even more depressed and addicted (it was an awful last three years in school). And when I actually had to live my life, I was trying to close myself in my head because I felt I should be SOOO F*CKING PRODUCTIVE!! AND ALWAYS THINK ABOUT WORK! YES? Heeell, no. It was the most unproductive and ugly sh1t I ever did.

I have earned a lot of problems with my physical and mental health. I just ruined my life at the beginning. It sounds bad, but it felt even worse. Comfort almost killed my life, and I was helping it with pleasure.

but

Two years ago, I became a student and there I started to work on my addictions. The last school exams, the first semester at the university, and university exams were just awful and so stressful. But they helped me and developed my discipline; I understood that I can change my life with hard and consistent work. And now, two years later and after more than 100 fails, I have reached "zero." I don't know if I can speak about that so loudly because I always think that this sht can come back and I will need to fight it again. But now I am just a little bit more confident than ever. If this sht knocks on my door again, I know what to do with it. I have (or better to say, want) a lot of work ahead to fix everything bad I did to myself. And also I have a lot of other things I need to delete from my life: music, news, podcasts,*** *****, a lot of fears which make my life uncomfortable everywhere, and a lot of other things. I can say that the taste of life is so different now. It turns out that I can be outside for 14 hours and not be bored. Sometimes I even feel addicted to work (WOW), but I need to calibrate this feeling because it's rare and feels strange—but I like it. Now, I have time to write, think, read, and do other things. I noticed a strong negative correlation between my social media time and steps per day. My social anxiety is slowly disappearing. I started to do things which I was never able to do before. I want to meet new people and feel happy to interact with them. Now, it's easier to create new habits and stick to them for a long period of time. I love it all. Sounds awesome. Don't trust words. F*ck clichés.

Alone. Again.

Is everything so beautiful? Of course not! I am feeling alone again. Most people around me just don't understand me. They are living their lives with social media, games, tons of music, and don't want to fix it. From one side, I understand that it is good for me because I have more time and energy than others, but from the other side, I am feeling lonely with my idea of digital minimalism. I just can't carry them with me if they don't want to go. I would like to find a society of like-minded people. Or build one? Sounds like a life goal: to help people become free again.

Terrible understanding

I found out that some social media platforms use "streaks" to convert scrolling into a habit. And yesterday, it turned out that some of my friends have more than 100 days in a row. It was so frustrating to find that out.

What is coming next?

I don't know. But I don't want to lose my life anymore.

P.S. After two days, I didn't want to post this. Too much was said to show it anywhere. But I want to post it because it is a very big thought for me.

P.S 2. Writen 2 months and shouldn't be posted, but now I don't care. I was bored to fix grammar by my own, so I delegeted it to AI.